So many titles could be appropriate.

I just can't decide! First I was thinking, 'Warning - the level of sexy in this entry may be too much to handle.' Then I thought of 'Adventures in husband led grooming.' And of course, 'THIS is how they should teach birth control to teens.' Or even, 'The one where 'over share' would be the understatement of the century.' All of those are missing one thing, though - a big ol' TMI warning!

Seriously, it's way off the TMI charts. More than I've ever shared before, that's for sure. I would seriously reconsider reading this entry.

So. Now that you have been warned, I shall begin. Last night, J helped me shave. My vagine. I had attempted (quite unsuccessfully) to trim a little while back, and after that he offered to help. We finally got around to it last night.

First we had to figure out how in the hell I was going to position myself that he could get at me. I ended up practically on my back in the tub, buck naked, legs up and spread. Let that visual soak in for a minute. No wait, scratch that. I don't really want you to lose your breakfast, so keep reading, and fast.

Then again, the coming words won't really get any better. You can just walk away now if you want. I'll understand.

So I'm in the tub, screwed like a turtle on it's shell. I can't move. He comes at me with the buzzers, and I FREAK. I didn't really think about the fact that I wouldn't be able to see once he got down there, so I didn't realize he was already that close. I jumped a mile (except not really) and let out a shriek, and we both started cracking up. Of course now I am laughing, on my back, at 8 1/2 months pregnant. PEE RISK, ANYONE?? So I attempt to sit up to be able to control my bladder a little better, all the while laughing and saying 'I'm going to pee my pants!'

What pants?!?!

Anyway. We get that situation under control by getting me a mirror to hold while he goes in, so I can see when he's about to touch me. Well now I am looking at my lady bits for the first time in weeks. So many weeks that I might as well have said months. At that point I think my face was looking something like this.

So he starts trying to trim at the shortest length. Only it isn't really working out too well. Let's just say, not enough was coming off. So we take off the length adjuster thing, and are left with just the blades. Now he's scared to go at me. So I have him hold the mirror and attempt to reach down there myself. I didn't want to get too close/short, so I am gingerly trying to just trim, but I really can't do it myself. I ask J to try. He decides to go in again, and goes right up against my skin.

I jump back (which really means I moved my head back - I couldn't possibly move my entire body that much at this point) and go 'Woah that's short! You might as well take a razor to me!' He looks at me with huge eyes and says 'ohmygosh I'm so sorry, I thought you were trying to go that short and couldn't reach!' I just started laughing again, because what else could I do? I'm sitting there holding a mirror to see my unrecognizable vag, which now has a weird bald patch positioned right above it.

J starts laughing too, and then looks at me and goes 'um, you're leaking.' We're both laughing pretty hard at this point and I think to myself 'oh good, I'm now leaking pee.' I attempt to look down there (with the help of the mirror, of course) and J says, 'no, your boob!' So then he starts laughing even harder because I had no idea my boob was leaking. And in this instance, that was seriously hilarious because I wasn't just leaking, I was running like a faucet out of my left nip. Colostrum was flowing steadily down my boob and onto my stomach, and I can't deny him that the fact that I couldn't feel it at all was pretty hilarious.

Now we are both starting to laugh so hard we're crying, and I say 'have you ever seen anything sexier? I mean really, does it get much better than this?' He says 'I think it can only go up from here, to be honest!' So I start laughing even harder. I knew this was heading into dangerous territory, because laying on my back, legs spread, I really didn't feel like I had much control over any functions down there.

As I am laughing and saying (again) 'I'm going to pee my pants!' I let out a fart. Just a little one, but enough to send the tears literally pouring out of my eyes and down my face. Luckily I am married to a very special man, because he just said 'oh my god, I was wrong!' and then reacted in the same exact way as me. I finally manage to hoist myself up to a sitting position and we sit there crying our eyes out because we are laughing so hard. Then J goes 'oh look, the other one is leaking now too!' Sure enough, righty felt left out and decided to join the party.

I really didn't think it could possibly have gotten any better at that point. But of course it did. Sitting up caused the leak on the left to run all the way down my belly and drip onto my leg. Which I finally felt! So I exclaimed as much, which sent J down onto the bathroom floor pretty much rolling around in laughter. At this point, I totally lost it. I officially laughed as hard as I ever have in my entire life. Tears were dripping from my face onto my boobs and belly, and I started laughing even more about how I could feel those but I couldn't feel the colostrum.

We finally calm down by about half, but are still having fits of giggles (rather than hysterical laughter). I lean back again and say 'okay might as well just go to town down there now honey.' When I laid back down, he goes 'oh look, you did pee yourself!' It was just a drop, but it was enough to send us back into hysterics.

Eventually the job did get done, and somehow my lady bits managed to escape unharmed. I must say though, it was hands down one of the funniest moments of my entire life. And I am so unbelievably lucky to be married to a man who shared my sentiments, rather than running far, far away. You gotta wonder though, how on earth does he keep his hands off me? I mean really, it just doesn't get much hotter than that.

--Disclaimer - if you know me IRL, please refrain from telling this story to anyone, ever. I am trusting you. Feel free to say anything to me about it, but not to anyone else!--