March is almots over, right?

Right?? This month sucks! We started out with that damn ear infection. It didn't go away with the first antibiotics, so we went back in and sure enough it was now in both ears. Apparently certain ear infections are too strong for ammoxicilan, so we got him on something else.

Once we finally got that under control, he got a virus. Which I then got a few days later, except it hit me 10 times harder (better me than him, don't get me wrong!). I didn't eat or drink anything but some jello and juice for three days, not including the english muffin and egg which came back up two hours later. Can you imagine how my supply is doing right now?

So I'm back on the fenugreek, and pumping while he gets a bottle at night, because by the end of the day I don't have enough for him. I know it will come back, because I can see exactly what caused this, but man I am so done with this crappy sick month.

Plus, April also means a visit from two amazing friends from afar!! I CANNOT WAIT! And a new baby soon after that. April will be a better month. It has to be.

Blurgh.

I'm being such a slacker with the blogging. Truth is, I just haven't felt like it. I am a very positive person, so when I get down I don't like it, and I don't want to spread it to anyone else. But my blog seems like a good place to vent.

J has pulled the 'I have no idea when I'll be ready' line on me yet again. One week it's 'let's just wait til after J&R come visit.' The next it's 'I didn't mean right after, I meant sometime after... it could be months still.'

Okay what?!

My head is totally fucked. I have no idea what he wants. He keeps telling me the opposite thing week to week. If he could just say 'definitely no' it would be so much easier to handle (though it would still suck). But instead I get 'I just don't know, it could be tomorrow!' So tomorrow comes and goes, and still no. And I get the line again.

STOP FUCKING SAYING TOMORROW. Just tell me to stop planning for it, because it isn't coming soon! But when I tell him that, he says 'but it could be tomorrow, for all I know! I'll just know when I know.'

He should have never told me yes last spring to trying this fall. And then planned out our finances to make sure we could afford it. And then encouraged me to talk to my dad about working part time. And then and then and then.

NO MORE AND THEN.

30 Day Shred... wassat? And other tales of blurgh.

I have been SUCH a slacker. I haven't done the 30DS in over a week. I actually feel like I have gained weight since starting.. my stomach is even bigger, and a pair of shorts that were snug in May don't fit at all anymore. I'm starting to feel that with the way I'm gaining, I should go POAS, or else I'll be the next girl on 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant' - for real.

I think I was just getting bored with doing the same workout every time. Or maybe that is just my poor excuse, and truly I am just lazy and unmotivated. Add onto that excuse this abysmal weather, por favor. Nothing gets me down like 30 straight days of grey and rain. Did you know that while we are breaking records for the amount of rain we are getting in the Northeast, the Northwest is breaking records for their lack of rain. What the fuck is wrong with the world!?!?

And for the cherry on top of my misery sunday, J hits me with the bomb last night that he isn't 100% sure about starting to TTC in the fall anymore. I give up. I mean, in no way do I want to start if he isn't 100% ready as well, but I am dying to start and did not see this coming at all. I am hoping he comes around. We'll see. He said he thinks he will want to, but won't know for sure until we get there. I know that if it weren't for my best friend's wedding in the beginning of May, I would want to start now. That is the only thing holding me back until September.

Where the fuck did June go?

Where is my awesome month? This week has been absolute crap. J loses his job, AF shows (however expected she was, still no fun), and it has been 55* and rainy. BLAAHHH.

I want my hot sunny weather, I want two incomes, I want to have sex.

The end.

Yes, yes it was.

Today was just all around blah. I knew it would be.

I am getting down about J's lack of job again already. Mother effer. Last time around he had a lead right off the bat, which didn't actually work out, but he still had something going the whole time. Even though it took him two and a half months to get a job he was never sitting around wondering, waiting...

I know it hasn't even been a week yet, but we are just ... waiting. And I can't handle it. I can't handle the unkown. I am a planner. I need to know what lies ahead. I need to be in control. This makes LIFE completely out of my control, and I won't even bother lying - that is making me totally freak out inside.

The only thing keeping me cool, calm, and collective is to not think about it at all - basically pretend like this isn't happening. I know that is not a good thing, but for now, it's all I got.

Oh, so it's going to be one of thoooose days?

I just got up, got a bowl out for cereal, grabbed the milk, poured it into the bowl, and -- wait -- poured it into the bowl? With no cereal? Oh yes I did.

::headdesk::

This recession can derelick my balls.

Well, I guess I had it coming, gloating about how amazing my life is. And how many times have I said that plans are useless because life happens and screws them all up? Eleventy billion.

J was laid off today. Not awesome. For those of you who aren't aware, he was laid off last fall and was unemployed for two and a half months. He has been employed again for just over six months, and now he has been laid off again.

There should be some kind of law that you can only be laid off once a year. For fucks sake. Or at least let it be me (who made half as much as him) who gets laid off. Not our main source of income.

Anyway, I had a whole post about DMB at Fenway waiting for pics and I forgot to post it yesterday so I will finish it up and post it next.