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a swaddleme, a sleep sack, a swing, and the gentle giraffe. These are the things that finally keep my baby napping for longer than 30 minutes at a time. We just discovered this perfectly magical winning combination a little over a week ago, and let me tell you - I have a whole new life! I get two 2-3 hour naps a day out of him now. I don't even know what to do with myself! (Well I know what I should do, but I've been basking in the gloriousness of this new found freedom first. Catching up on work is coming soon, I swear.)

So, what have we been up to? Oh boy... well before this new nap system began, Jamie would nap for anywhere between 30 minutes and an hour. Three times a day. That was it. OMG you guys, I was losing my mind, that's what we were up to! Through all of that though, we've just been chasing the clock, trying to get it to slow the eff down. My baby is over five months old. How did that happen!?!?

We've been quite busy the past couple months with the holidays. Rough times (huge drop in my supply, IL drama, etc etc) but lots of great times too. Jamie is an active little baby now, and he blows my mind every day with new accomplishments. He rolled tummy to back around 12 weeks, then got bored with that and only does it once in a blue moon now. He is super close to rolling back to belly, and while I can't wait for him to do it so I can explode with pride once more, I also am fine waiting a bit longer. I know once he does that it will all be over - he'll be rolling over and over across the room.

He stands like you would not believe. My mom tells me at least once a day 'he's going to walk early, you're in trouble!' Who knows if he will, or if she's just a proud grandmother, but the fact is that this kid has got some great standing skills. We have to hold his hands, of course, but he can stand himself up from a squat while holding our fingers. We can also hold him by the thighs while he balances himself standing. It's crazy.

He also sits great, and has recently discovered that this is a great way to play! At 4 months he started tripoding, and within two weeks he had moved on to sitting with no hands. Here's an early attempt at transitioning from the tripod to no hands (during his 4 month monkey shoot!)

He's finally getting some chubby legs, though you can't see as much in that picture. That was the number one difference I noticed from his pictures between 4 and 5 months - chubby baby thighs! I love to tickle them. Along with his belly, armpits, chin, back, etc. We have one super ticklish baby! And we get the best belly laughs out of him when we're tickling him. There is no better sound in the world than hearing my baby laugh. He's also laughing more and more just at us, whether we be talking to him, singing goofy songs, or making faces, he reacts to those with laughter now too!

Remember that tiny little hand in mine? Look how much bigger it has gotten! It's so bittersweet, watching your baby grow. On the one hand, look at my amazing baby grow! On the other, I miss that teeny tiny newborn. But with everything I miss, each day gives me twice as much to love about my growing baby.

We've also had Jamie's first holidays, and they were so much fun! Poor J got sick over Thanksgiving, but luckily we were able to celebrate Christmas as a family, whole and healthy. We got Jamie his first Christmas tree, and on it we placed his first ornament...

And the ornaments. That is something else that kept me crazy busy - my etsy shop! I love doing that, and hope that soon I will be able to focus more on that and cut back my hours on my regular job.

I will have to leave you there, because all of this bragging about my napping baby has gotten me a 'short' nap this afternoon - an hour and a half. Still a good nap for him though, so I'll take it!

Oh, breastfeeding...

We have a love/hate thing, you and I. Mostly love, but then there are these moments of hate.

Like the need for the nipple shield for the first two weeks. That thing went straight in the trash when we were done with it. And then we were awesome again.

Then there was the mastitis. Twice. Yeah, I could have lived without that.

But we trucked through. It was always easy to get through it all, because I loved you so much. I never knew just how much I would love the amazing bonding experience you provide for Jamie and I. And the added bonus of weight loss didn't hurt. And the one constant that hasn't changed since day one is that you and I, we make a ton of milk. Before we started I feared that I would have supply issues, but once we got going I realized the only 'issue' regarding supply that I had was an oversupply.

But breastfeeding, you are making me hate you again this week. Where did my supply go? I understand, I've been sleep deprived now that Jamie doesn't sleep through the night anymore. And the holiday was stressful and exhausting by myself since J stayed home sick. On top of that Jamie appears to be going through a growth spurt. Oh and don't forget the raging head cold I've developed. And now, a clogged duct. Certainly not from engorgement, since I haven't experienced that in a few weeks.

I get it, breastfeeding. We're being challenged this week, and the supply is suffering as a result. Please just promise me we'll get through this. I am not anywhere near ready to give you up just yet.

Holy crap.

I haven't blogged in over a month. This is getting ridiculous. I miss blogging. I miss that outlet. I NEED that outlet lately. But of course, I need the outlet because I am losing my mind from being so busy. And being so busy means no time to blog. But I need to blog. AAHHH!!

12 weeks, and a story of mommy knows best.

This is going to be quite the update, seeing as I haven't updated in so long! Brace yourselves...

Let's back up to 8 weeks first. I didn't have a huge update then, just that things were going well. Then at the end of that week I got mastitis. That SUCKED. The worst part was not the 24 hours before the antibiotics kicked in. That was not fun, and the few days that followed it was tough for me to hold him because his weight against my boobs hurt. But that was nothing in comparison to the 10 days that I was on the antibiotics. Me being on meds caused his reflux to flare up. And that was the hardest part. Anyone with a reflux baby will tell you that it is hell. And Jamie doesn't even have it as bad as some. But the poor baby had such a hard time, and there was nothing I could do but stop taking my meds, except I couldn't do that. So we just had to deal with it. It was horrible.

The following week he turned two months. TWO MONTHS. I couldn't believe how quickly that came. I remember making the appointment when he was 10 days old and thinking 'that is forever away!' Yeah, notsomuch. Anyway, the appointment. My 9 week old little chunker weighed in at 11 lbs 5 oz (just an ounce off from my guess!), 22 1/2" long. I am wondering if they measured his length wrong because it seems like he grew a LOT more than an inch and a half since birth! But who knows.

Then it was time for his shots. Hoo boy. That SUCKED. I read somewhere that babies don't have different cries, but I totally disagree with that. He has a hungry cry, a tired cry, and a reflux cry. I know the difference between the three, no doubt about that. Well when he got those shots - this was a whole new cry. It was horrible. I couldn't even get him to nurse to comfort him, he was just inconsolable. After an eternity (likely only 5 minutes but you know) I calmed him and was able to nurse him. But holy hell that cry. It was torture.

So it was a rough week or so for us. But I finished my antibiotics and he returned back to normal again. Then I missed the 10 week update, because really I just suck at blogging now. No need to sugarcoat that. But at 10 weeks, he was just wonderful. He's always such a good baby. We started doing more tummy time again, because we had been totally slacking on that. He isn't the hugest fan of it anymore, but that's okay. His favorite activity was still laying on his mat and talking to the little boy in the mirror. He smiled like crazy, and began to react more and more to J and I. It became clear he knows we are his parents.

And then the following week rolled around, and things started getting tough again. He was having a bit of trouble feeding, but we were working through it. I didn't know if I needed to up his reflux meds, and kept fighting that thought because it just didn't feel right. By Thursday, there were days where he hardly ate at all during the day, and by the end of the night I was getting so full I had to pump. Then Friday morning after my regular pumping session, I started to feel like the mastitis was coming back. I immediately started using a heat pack, but I couldn't nurse him because Friday is my day at work without him. So I just pumped like crazy, and luckily I was able to fight off the mastitis from coming back completely.

However, he still was having a hard time eating, and it was just getting worse and worse. Yesterday he took his bottle at 7 (his first feeding in the morning is a bottle while I pump, then I nurse him the rest of the time). He woke up ready to eat at 9:30, but absolutely would not latch on the left. After a lot of struggling I finally got him to latch on the right, but he only ate for about 3 minutes. He typically does 20 minutes total at a feeding. But he seemed happy, so I didn't push it. He played a bit and napped again, then woke around 11 to eat. I figured that was to be expected because he hardly ate before.

I could not get him to latch at all. He would turn his head like he wanted it then just scream and scream. I finally calmed him and got him to sleep, and called the LC and the doctor. The LC was not in, but the pedi got us in yesterday afternoon. In the meantime, he was fine for another hour or so, then started fussing again. At this point I am thinking he must be starving, and can't possibly refuse the boob again.

Boy was I wrong. It was now 2:15, over 7 hours since he had really eaten. He goes that long at night all the time, but during the day that is unheard of for him. And yet he refused to eat. I would get him in my arm ready to nurse and he was showing all the signs of wanting it, but just screamed and screamed and absolutely refused to eat. I was so upset that my sweet baby wouldn't eat and was clearly suffering because of it. And I couldn't stop thinking about how he took the bottle just fine that morning. I was terrified that he had suddenly started favoring the bottle, but it just didn't make any sense to me. He only gets one bottle a day, and he is very picky about it - it has to be almost hot for him to take it. He has always preferred the breast. But now he wasn't. It was heart wrenching to think that he was starting to want the bottle instead of me. I think only a nursing mom can understand the way that kind of rejection feels. On top of the pain of rejection, I felt like I was failing him, that there was something wrong with me that was stopping him from being able to eat.

And with that, I totally lost it. He was screaming in my arms, and I was sobbing hysterically, just saying 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm failing you' over and over and over. I called my mom and she raced over (the poor thing thought one of the dogs died from the way I was sobbing, because she couldn't understand what I was saying on the phone). He had passed out in my arms, likely from exhaustion of screaming, and I finally accepted that I needed to try making a bottle for him to see if he would take that, because he needed to eat. I only warmed up 3 oz, and he took it all immediately. I was so torn on how I felt about it, because above all I was just so happy that he was eating. But the fact that he took the bottle so easily felt like... well I can't think of how to describe it. It hurt, to say the least. But he was clearly still hungry, so I tried to nurse him again. And he took it. He ate for a while on one side until he finally passed out. '

So at this point I was at a total loss for what was wrong. If he was favoring the bottle, why did he take the breast so easily again? We were heading to the doctor, but if they couldn't find anything wrong we were going to up his reflux meds. But that just didn't feel right to me. This didn't seem like it was the reflux at all. So we get to the doctor, and she is checking him out, and he seems totally fine.

Then she checked his ears.

Holy mother did that child scream! And it was like it all just clicked into place. She said 'yep, he his right ear is infected, and his left is well on the way.' The relief must have shown in my face because she said 'doesn't that feel better?' That may sound crazy, but it's not relief that he is in pain, but relief that there is a diagnosis with an easy solution. And as much as that, relief that he wasn't rejecting my breast after all! In retrospect, it makes total sense that that was the problem. He took the bottle fine because even though we hold him the same way when we give him a bottle, he is flat on his back in our arms. When he nurses, he turns toward my body, and his head turning to the side was causing him pain from the infection. And he was having more trouble with the left than the right, which makes sense because his right ear is worse than his left.

I do feel horrible that I didn't realize that's what was wrong until it got to the point where he didn't eat all day, but other than the trouble nursing he wasn't showing any signs that anything was wrong. So I am trying to keep that in mind and not blame myself. But overall, trust the mommy instinct! It really is so strong. When he was first diagnosed with reflux, I just knew that's what it was. The doctor said we could try altering my diet to see if it wasn't actually reflux, or we could go straight to meds. I had no problem going straight to meds because I just knew that's what it was. And it was. Then with this, I knew it wasn't the reflux. I knew deep down that doubling his meds wasn't the way to go. Thank god the doctor had us come in rather than just doing the meds, because it wasn't the problem after all. Mommy really does know best!

So that is that, and he is on meds now. I am hoping his antibiotics won't make his reflux too bad again, but we're preparing for that to happen just in case. But he's going to get better, and I am working on positioning him on his back more to feed him. It's awkward, but so worth it if it means he will eat and won't be in pain.

And despite all the pain he was in, he is still just such a good baby. He is always super smiley. Last Wednesday he laughed at me for the first time! Before that he only sort of laughed at himself on his play mat. But this was a real laugh. He did it a couple more times that day, then again on Friday. He didn't again for a couple days, but yesterday, even though he was in some serious pain, he laughed for me again! He's really just such an awesome baby.

Also, they weighed him yesterday, of course. 12 lbs 6 oz! Over a pound in barely 3 weeks! He's such a good little eater. And he is so strong. He has always had really good head control, and started holding it up early. Now he has started trying to sit up on his own. He obviously can't, but he holds our thumbs and lifts his head and tries to pull himself up. He scrunches up his face and looks so determined, it's adorable! He still loves to play on his mat, he goes absolutely crazy playing with the little boy in the mirror. He talks like crazy and laughs at himself, and grabs his toys and stomps his legs. It's just too funny. We also have been playing the stand up game for a while now. He absolutely loves to be held standing up on our laps and he just bounces himself up and down and stomps his feet. It's so cute.

But more than anything, my favorite thing in the whole world is watching him with his daddy. J is SUCH an awesome dad. And Jamie loves him so much. He just totally lights up whenever he sees him. I could watch them together forever and not get bored with it, ever. That makes all of the hard parts so so worth it.

I know it's only October...

But I've got Christmas on the mind already. I've been thinking for a little bit now of what kind of ornament I wanted to get for Jamie's first Christmas. I started searching etsy for the perfect one, preferably with a sock monkey incorporated somehow.

Zip. Zilch. Nada. Nothin.

It was the first time I have ever searched etsy and not had to hold back from spending more than I should.

Then it hit me. Block ornaments. I can make it exactly how I want it to be. And so my newest product offered in my etsy shop was born. Allow me to present to you Jamie's first Christmas ornament:

I am so happy with how it turned out, and so excited to put it on the tree! Now I just have to wait another month and a half before we go cut it down hahaha.

If you are interested in how to make it - I did it the same way I did the regular blocks, then printed out the words and mod podged them on as well. Then I took an eye hook and piece of ribbon and screwed them into the top, securing them with super glue.

And of course if you are interested in purchasing one for your baby, they are listed in my etsy shop.

Now I need to figure out a stocking! Hopefully etsy will be better to me there, because I am no good in that crafting department ;-)

AW Alert.

Today is a very big day. Today I am wearing my PRE-PREGNANCY JEANS. I never in a million years thought I would be able to say that this early. I have bought one pair of jeans, but this morning I decided that before I go buy any more I should make sure that my old ones really don't fit. So I pulled out the bin from the basement and prepared myself for the worst.

But they fit! My favorite pair that I wore all the time are a little snug still, but I was able to get them on without a struggle. And my other two pairs fit great, I wore one all day today and wasn't even a smidge uncomfortable. Now of course, to complete this major AW moment, some pictures.

First, my last belly pic (which was actually taken at 40w4d).

OMFG I was huge.

Then, my BFP picture - 3w4d. (regular on the left, sucking it in on the right)

And finally, my 10w2d postpartum pictures.

Now granted, I still have quite a bit of loose skin there when I'm not sucking it in. But I'll get rid of that eventually. And until then I can easily cover it with my winter clothes. The point is, MY JEANS! Yay!

So.

I haven't written. In forever. I totally missed the 8 week update last week, and figured I would just do a 2 month update this week instead.

Then Sunday happened.

A very dear friend of mine (S) went into labor at 23 weeks, and her perfect son Matthew Finley was born. He lived for a few short hours, and passed away Sunday evening. He joins his sister Katie Jane, who was also born too soon just over a year ago.

Since then, I have wanted to blog about it, and I definitely haven't wanted to post a cheery positive post about Jamie until I do. But I just can't find the words. I am feeling so many things about this, mainly anger that such an amazing human being can have such a tragedy happen to her twice. I won't even use the word unfair, that's laughable. Truly, it is so far beyond fucked up, let alone unfair. My heart hurts for S and her husband, and the rest of their family. Beyond that, I can't find the words to express how I feel. I think you get the idea though.

I absolutely HATE that I can type this next sentence. But, I know that S is incredibly strong, truly one of the most amazing people I know, and she will get through this. I HATE that I can say that I know it because she has done it before. HATE. But she has, and will again. So, please keep them in your thoughts (and prayers, if you swing that way). Because while I know she will get through it, I also know that she will take all the love and support she can get to help her through.

I love you so very much, S.